By Rick Andrews

<BEGIN AT MARK 1> 

                                  Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you. You’re too kind.
                 Thanks so much, everyone. <GESTURE TO CROWD>. There’s an
                 excitement in the air tonight. Can you feel it? 
                                  Let’s give it up one more time for our amazing speakers,
                shall we? Let them hear it, folks!  

<LET APPLAUSE DIE DOWN> 

                                  You know, people ask me why I started Vernonox. They
                 come up to me in the lobby, they recognize me at bars, in airports.
                 People all over the world stop me on the street and say “Michael—
                 Michael D. Powers—why did you start Vernonox?” I tell them
                 there are three reasons. 

                                  Reason number one, and let’s be honest here: Money. Am I
                 right? Am I right? Money. I’m no bullshitter. <LAUGH>. You’re
                 all here today because you’re interested in making money. If you
                 want to take control of your life, right now, and become financially
                 independent, say hell yeah. <PAUSE FOR RESPONSE>. That’s
                 what I thought. How’s this one? If you want to make enough
                 money so that getting the mail doesn’t raise your blood pressure,
                 say hell yeah. <PAUSE FOR RESPONSE>. We’ve all been there.  

                                  If you want enough money to finally live the life you
                 deserve, say hell yeah. If you want to make enough money to treat
                 the people in your life like the kings and queens they are, say hell
                 yeah. 

<WALK TO MARK 2> 

                                  Money’s just paper, folks. But it’s what that money
                 represents. It’s what that money gets you. They say money can’t
                 buy happiness, but I bet every single person in this room has been
                 unhappy about money. Am I wrong? 

                                  Money is freedom. It’s the freedom to choose what you
                 care about rather than have it chosen for you. 

                                  I used to use money as an excuse to not live the life I
                 wanted. See a car I want? Don’t have the money. See a piece of
                 clothing I like? Can’t afford it. That dream trip to Thailand? No
                 way. The life I wanted was always on the other side of my
                 paycheck making faces at me.  

<CLICK TO PHOTO 1> 

                                  Here’s me in 2007. I’m living out of my car in San Diego,
                 California. I’m selling electronics door-to-door. Washer dryers,
                 toasters, TV sets. Door to door . . . in 2007. Raise your hand if you
                 bought something from a door-to-door salesman in the last twenty
                 years? Exactly. 

                                  I don’t have two twenties to rub together. Anything I do
                 make, I’m wasting. Booze, crappy food. Betting on football. 

                                  I thought it was the world that was fucked. And it’s true,
                 the world’s a fucked-up place. I thought there was nothing I could
                 do to make a change for myself because the world wouldn’t let
                 me. 

                                  Well? I was wrong. Dead wrong. If the world won’t let you
                 change, you’ve got to change anyway. You’ve got to wake up and
                 say, “Fuck you, world. I’m not going to eat and jerk off all day.
                 I’m going to be out there doing it.” 

                                  Here’s another photo.  

<CLICK TO PHOTO 2> 

                                  This is a manual transmission BMW G6 that purrs like a
                 tranquilized tiger. This is my car now.  

<CLICK TO PHOTO 3> 

                                  This right here—this is my pool. When I need to relax and
                 clear my head, I don’t lie in the backseat anymore. I go out here . . .
                 and breathe.  

<CLICK TO PHOTO 4> 

                                  This is me in Thailand two months ago. They paid me to
                 come, to hear the same talk you’re hearing right now.
                                  Is there more to Vernonox than the money? Of course. But
                 let’s be honest up front: You men and gals are here to make a
                 change in your life, and that change starts in your bank account.
                 And the stress, the anxiety, that feeling that you’ll never have
                 enough, never be enough? That feeling will be wiped away like
                 spilt coffee. 

<WALK TO MARK 3> 

                                  Reason number two: People.
                                  People weren’t meant to work behind a desk. People
                 weren’t meant to be cogs in a machine. Anyone else got that pain
                 right right here at the base of your neck? <POINT AT NECK>.
                 That horrible, modern pain? We weren’t meant to be kept in pens,
                 slaving away on a computer for a billionaire somewhere.  

                                  I don’t have that pain here anymore. I get massages now.
                 But I also don’t spend eight hours of my day like this <HUNCH,
                 PRETEND TO TYPE>, toggling ones and zeros for some
                 multinational conglomerate that doesn’t give a shit about me. 

                                  I want you to be your own boss. You will work 100%
                 harder for yourself than you ever would for some faceless
                 corporation. When you are your own boss, you know why you’re
                 doing what you’re doing. You hustle for you and the people you
                 care about. 

                                  These companies? They all say the same thing. They care
                 about their employees. <MAKE PRAYER HANDS> They swear
                 they do, they really do! But when the time comes, they’ll have no
                 problem kicking you to the curb if it’ll save them a few extra
                 bucks. You know it’s true. It’s probably already happened! 

                                  Your biggest asset isn’t something you could list on a
                 resume. It’s your spirit. Your courage. It’s that thing inside you,
                 right here <POINT AT CHEST> that just won’t quit, that very
                 same thing that brought you here tonight.  

                                  You’re more than your work experience. You ever been out
                 of work so long you can’t get a job because you’ve been out of
                 work so long? What the fuck is that!  

                                  Well, I believe in you. I’d hire you if I could—but I can’t.
                 But you can hire yourself with Vernonox. You are your own boss.
                 You work however much you want. What you put in to the
                 program, you get out of the program. I’m living, breathing proof—
                 but seriously, don’t take my word for it. You’ve heard a lot of
                 folks tonight share their Vernonox journey. Here’s a few more
                 people I know who’ve chosen to take control of their lives. 

<MOVE STAGE RIGHT TO MARK R> 

<CLICK TO VIDEO ONE> 

                                  Audio: “Uh hey guys, my name is Todd. I’m 29 years old,
                 I’m a 3-year Vernonox gold member, Level 3 distributer, and Level 6
                 advocate. Before Vernonox, I had quit school, I was . . . can I say
                 it? I was smoking, uh, a lot of dope. As my old man would say, I
                 was going nowhere fast. And then one afternoon my buddy
                 dragged me kicking and screaming to a presentation by Michael
                 and it changed my life, man. I was nervous at first, but I started
                 working the program, I got people involved, I jumped tiers, and
                 now I’m my own boss, I make, uh, $6,000 a month and I work from
                 home whenever I want. Thank you, Michael.” 

<CLICK TO VIDEO TWO> 

                                  Audio: “Hi I am Yuri. I am big believer in Vernonox. I was
                 working sales. Insurance. I was not happy. I was working long
                 hours. I was very tired. My wife—she wanted to leave. I quit my
                 job. My wife said, ‘Yuri, you are crazy.’ And just like Michael said,
                 I said ‘give me three months.’ Give me three months. And now we
                 have a new house. I have two kids. I have a new life and a new
                 positive outlook. My wife loves me. It worked! I am telling you, it
                 works!” 

<CLICK TO VIDEO THREE> 

                                  Audio: “Hellllooo my name is Marissa and I cannot wait to
                 tell you gals about Vernonox. It’s the real deal. I had worked more
                 jobs than I could count on my fingers. But in the last two years I’ve
                 worked exactly one job, I’m making more money than I could ever
                 dream of, AND I’m more in touch with myself and my personal
                 power than I’ve ever been. Michael D. Powers: thank you!” 

<WALK TO MARK 1> 

                                  I don’t care who you are. I don’t care if you’re a man or
                 a gal. I don’t care if you’re young or old, black, white or purple.
                 Vernonox doesn’t care. If you work hard, the program will work
                 for you. Period. I believe in people. I believe in you. 

                                  Finally, reason number three why I started Vernonox, the
                 third pillar of the Vernonox Triangle: Family. 

                                  When I was eight years old, my father passed away in a
                 plane crash. A single engine puddle jumper, out with his friends
                 for a hunting weekend, a weekend he never came back from. A
                 thick sheet of fog took him from this life into wherever we go
                 next. 

                                  And then two years ago—as some of you may know—my
                 son Caden was diagnosed with leukemia. Little guy was six years
                 old. And we fought. We did everything. And Caden was strong! I
                 was so proud of him. But despite crushing every infusion, every
                 test, every round of chemo, despite signing up for every single
                 clinical trial, I had to watch my only son grow sick. Weak. I’d
                 come in the room and find my child, my sweet boy, breathing like
                 he was on death’s door, sweating through his shirt. His bones hurt
                 —his bones. Every doctor told us there was one more thing to try.
                 Always one more. And we tried. We tried. 

                                  He asked me, “Daddy, does it hurt when you die?” And I
                 told him, “No, Son, it won’t feel like anything at all.” I don’t know
                 if that’s true. But what would you say? And when he finally did
                 leave us, off through that sheet of fog to join my Pop, I prayed to
                 God it’s true, that death feels like nothing at all. 

                                  My family has been rocked by tragedy. The people closest
                 to us, who show up for you, who you show up for? They’re all that
                 matters. That’s what work is about. It’s about providing. For them.
                 For you. 

                                  And when you join Vernonox, you become a part of our
                 family. It’s not a family by blood—but we show up for each other.
                 We count on each other. Everyone you’ve seen speak tonight is a
                 pillar of strength. Kelsey, Alexa, Martina, Sanjay, Alex, Malika—I
                 am so proud of what you’ve built for yourself. I’m so proud to
                 have you in the Vernonox family. 

                                  I’m here for you. I’m here to give you my power. I’ve got a
                 power surplus < FLEX ARM, LAUGH, BREAK TENSION>. Our
                 power together? It’s like nuclear fusion—a nearly unlimited energy
                 source. Maybe one day someone in this audience will be up on a
                 stage like this. Maybe one of you will be so successful you can
                 start sending some of that power back to the grid, just like all of
                 our amazing Vernonox family members up here today. 

                                  So, give me three months. Just three months. And I
                 promise, you won’t regret it. 

<WALK TO FRONT OF STAGE, MARK F> 

                                  Right now, you’re in your head screaming, “I get it,
                 Vernonox is going to empower me to change my life for the better
                 and enrich me financially and spiritually beyond my wildest
                 dreams. But Michael! What the hell is it?!”   

                                  It’s gonna surprise you. Great things come in small
                 packages. In fact, I’ve been holding it in my hand this whole time.  

<HOLD UP RIGHT HAND, REVEAL> 

                                  Vernonox is a six-ounce naturally flavored protein shot
                 and energy drink. It’s like Muscle Milk and Five-Hour Energy got
                 together and made sweet, sweet love. It’s like an Rx bar gave up
                 and melted itself down. It’s perfect as an after-workout protein
                 boost or an extra kick of caffeine for a late-night cram session. 

                                  You want to know the best thing about it? We don’t sell to
                 GNC. We don’t sell to Sam’s club. You can’t get Vernonox at the
                 Wawa.  

                                  You can’t get it in any store. You can only get Vernonox
                 from a licensed Vernonox gold member, like the ones you heard
                 from tonight. 

                                  You have a choice. You can walk out of here with your,
                 “yeah, buts . . .” <IN A WIMPY VOICE> “Yeah, but it sounds like a
                 lot of work.” “Yeah, but I’d have to store the inventory in my
                 garage.” “Yeah, but . . .” 

                                  And I get it. I’ve been where you are. It’s scary to change.
                 But you’ve got to. This is all we have, this life. We’ve got to take it
                 by the horns, let it buck, and stay on as long as we can. 

                                  I know <PAUSE, GESTURE AROUND ROOM> that
                 everyone in this room today is capable of that change. How do I
                 know this? Because you’re here. You’re sitting in these chairs right
                 now. You got up today, you took your money, already stretched
                 thin, and instead of wasting it on some bullshit, you said I’m going
                 to invest this money in myself. Everyone in this room is an
                 abandoned warehouse being converted into some luxury condos.
                 My god, look at you all!  

                                  If you have been to hell and back just trying to live, stand
                 up right now. Come on now, don’t be shy. Stand up. <POINT TO
                 PEOPLE STANDING, START APPLAUSE> Let them hear it folks.
                 I believe—do you? 

                                  If you have had to say goodbye to someone you love, stand
                 up right now. I know each of you has a Caden up there in heaven,
                 peeking over their cloud, looking down at us right now. Come on!
                 Give it up for them, folks! 

                                  If you have had to put your dreams aside because life got in
                 the way, stand up! If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired,
                 stand up! If you are ready to live a better life, stand up!
                 <SHOUTING OVER APPLAUSE>. Everybody in this room, up on
                 your feet! C’mon! You deserve it! 

                                  <SCREAMING> 

                                  Am I right?
                                  Am I right?
                                  Am I right? 

---

Rick Andrews is an improviser, instructor, and writer living in New York City. His writing has appeared in Ninth Letter, The Normal School, and Witness, among others. His story “Couples Therapy” was selected as an “Other Distinguished Story” in the 2023 Best American Short Stories.