By Carrie Shipers
Featured Art: untitled by JC Talbott
We don’t negotiate salary because we’re already certain
what you’re worth. It may be less than you’d hoped,
but it’s enough to live on if you’re practical. We don’t
negotiate benefits because we think you’re lucky
to get any. The single therapist is prone to naps and lousy
metaphors, but you’re so sad that you’ll keep going back.
We don’t negotiate duties because the job ad was crafted
to include everything that we don’t want to do, and then
revised again when we got sued. Belonging to a group
always requires sacrifices: someone has to do the dirty work
for which no credit is received, take on difficult tasks
where failure means you’ll probably get fired, and it’s not
fair for you to skip your turn. We don’t negotiate
vacation time because we’re angry it exists. You’re also
not allowed to work from home unless you’re quarantined—
we tried it once and were so drunk by noon we answered
our email with kitten pictures. We don’t negotiate
office space because you’ll be assigned a cubicle,
bottle of bleach to combat creeping mold. If you choose
to decorate, make sure all items fit into a single banker’s box,
which allows for ease of exit if you suddenly get fired.
And should you have requests we haven’t covered,
the answer’s No to those as well. We know winning
a small concession would increase your confidence,
make you feel truly wanted. But honestly you weren’t
our best or favorite candidate. You were the one
we settled for because you seemed most likely to say yes,
and the fact that you’re still listening suggests
we were correct. Regardless of your reasons for taking
this job—debt, despair, misguided optimism—
we think you’ll fit in fine as long as you remember:
We don’t negotiate because there is no need.
Carrie Shipers’s poems have appeared in Alaska Quarterly Review, Hayden’s Ferry Review, NewEnglandReview, NorthAmericanReview, PrairieSchooner, The Southern Review, and other journals. She is the author of Ordinary Mourning (ABZ, 2010), Cause for Concern (Able Muse, 2015), Family Resemblances (University of New Mexico, 2016), and Grief Land (University of New Mexico, 2020).