By Maria McLeod
Featured Art: “Reservoir” by Mateo Galvano
In the weeks and months preceding attempts to rescue me, I had become increasingly despondent. I had developed an urge to dig. It was a fantasy of detachment: asexual, dark, isolated. I took to it the way a person may take to a new job or a new house in a faraway state where they hope to reemerge unrecognizable. I wanted to burrow, to wriggle my way through the murky water table, to traverse the ruins of ancient civilizations, to eat through the slick layers of slate, granite, limestone, and, deeper still, to find the Earth’s hot core, to finally come to rest along the perimeter of that core and to fall into a deep sleep wrapped in ashes, to bake as if in a Dutch oven, a slow kind of smoldering, until my sleep turned into an endless coma, until my flesh melted away from the bones and the bones themselves, thoroughly stewed, went rubbery.
There was no exposed or available land surrounding my apartment, so I went to the lawn of the church next door and dug with my hands. I didn’t penetrate very deeply, but I did dig up enough to fill a rusty lunchbox. The smell of that dirt was the smell of a childhood lived outdoors. My stolen portion—special thanks to Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception—included a fragment of Styrofoam cup, countless dead insects of an indecipherable origin (at least to the naked eye), three live earthworms, and a bug which resembled, on a very small scale, an armadillo. And, of course, there was the dirt: black damp topsoil which, when pinched together, stuck. It was the type of soil gardeners of drier states might worship, but it was spring in Michigan, and this was the kind of soil one expected and didn’t think to celebrate.
I kept that dirt in an old Gallo wine jug next to my bed. Things grew, or tried to, but I thwarted their efforts by intermittently shaking the jug, turning the world upside down and back upon itself. I squashed what life I could and tried to keep the bottle out of the sun. Mostly, I used the dirt as an inspiration for my fantasies, as a portal to an unworld, the place I sought, without let up, at every opportunity. Prior to my fantasy sessions, which could be best described as a depressive brand of meditation, I eked a bit of that dirt out, and, like communion, took a dollop upon my tongue, careful not to chew. The first time was a bit shocking and not at all pleasant. I was careful not to include anything visibly living and tried not to think about the possibility of insect or worm excrement. Eventually, I let my saliva do its duty of breaking it down, dissolving and transforming it into a digestible form. That is, at some point, I swallowed it.
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