Newohioreview.org is archiving previous editions as they originally appeared. We are pairing the pieces with curated art work, as well as select audio recordings. In collaboration with our past contributors, we are happy to (re)-present this outstanding work.
Featured Art: Yliaster (Paracelsus) by Marsden Hartley
Before it all goes wrong. Before the bell is rung. Before the ship has sailed. Before the perfect storm begins to brew. Before the term perfect storm goes viral. Before anything goes viral. Before the fall. Before the crash. After effective sanitation, before Ronald Reagan. Before that sixth grade school photo is taken. Before one friend’s accident, another’s illness. Before the first massacre or environmental disaster. Before the first loss of liberty. Before the prequels. Before the sequels. Before the remakes. Before guns. Definitely before Columbus. After your son learns to say he loves you. After the invention of childhood. Before the police state. Before the nation state. Before the interstate. After modern medicine. After modern art. After animated GIFs. After the discovery of fire, of penicillin, of Spandex. After you meet the love of your life, but before you meet your first miserable boyfriend. After the Internet, but before we become information. Before your cousin dies, before your classmate dies, before anyone anywhere dies. It’s important to avoid your grandfather, and also the Middle Ages. Remember the Nineties sucked, and so did the Eighties. Maybe that moment when the dog stole pancakes off your plate. Your parents laughing as the card table shook. Just after the Big Bang.
Featured Art: Niagara Falls by John Henry Twachtman
Break it, you own it. Honestly, though, it was always broken, which is the whole point, that is to say, when this world first whirled and popped into existence out of nothing’s sticky grasp,
the ur-broken thing, when it had wings that glinted wildly in the suffused and charged plasma, when it cascaded off the cliff of itself a mountain waterfall in native sunlight; when the newly minted honeybees, still smoking a little from the tiny forges that made their immaculate and fragile bodies, shook the pollen dust of a violet, left a telltale film on the velvety atoms of air,
An equal and opposite burst expanding from the same particle but in reverse. Where peaches unripen in the family orchard. A mom-and-pop deli replaces the condos on Second Ave. OutKast never breaks up. They only get back together.
My sister is getting smaller by the day her outfits like pastel pythons swallowing a doe. In the other big bang, we start with all the knowledge we’ll ever know then forget it piece by piece.
So even after my grandmother’s brain stitches itself whole, vanquishes the plaque that shows up like coffee stains in scans, still she becomes more unknowing by the day.
But we all become naïve with her. Everyone communes over fears of growing young: how we’ll tie our shoes, cross the road alone. I am planning an expedition. One day I hope to have never known you yet.
Reading Accompanied with Music By: Laszlo Slomovits
Featured Art: Zinnias by H. Lyman Saÿen
While I was away the world went on without me— a spider completed its web under my plant stand, dust from an unseen wind settled in all the hard-to-reach places, light drifted across the walls. The ceiling fan dipped its oars in stillness. Zinnias in the vase went from Technicolor to hand-painted antique postcard hues. The world’s bad news got worse, the good news, better than expected. Letters and bills fought for room in the mailbox. Mold helped itself to the food I hadn’t eaten, and a late rose bloomed in the garden. I watched myself considering each thing, thinking, this is how it will be.
Featured Art:Figure with Guitar II by Henry Fitch Taylor
I was startled it was death I’d been singing all morning under my breath, scrambling the eggs, steeping Earl Grey for breakfast with my wife, death I’d been carrying like a jingle or Top 40 chorus, its melody infinitely catchy, insistent, vaguely parasitic, its lyrics surfing rhythm, slotted into rhyme, over and over, a half hour or more, all Saturday ahead of us, the morning sun shining when Julie protested with a quick laugh, though wincing too—no, please, I just got that out of my head.
Oh, that’s right—because I’m going to die. Sometimes I forget. More often than not. And then, that’s right! I’m going to, sometime. Because . . . I’m going to. Forgetting, but only sometimes, that’s how this works more than not. And then we wake to snow,
*
quite unexpected, the whole neighborhood quite, you know. And you say to me, yes, that’s right, cream, two sugars. Sometimes I forget. Or these days, more often, because, you know, that’s how this works. And now I remember we’re going to. Both of us. And there’s the car
Featured Art: Children at Play by Jean-Francis Auburtin
leaning back in our lawn chairs, the August constellations crowded by a crush of stars, the Milky Way in soft focus like a glamour shot. A couple and a couple at the end of the day watching our kids zip sparklers back and forth across the lawn like satellites or meteors. It’d been a story in the paper, evidence of a supermassive black hole, and so we throw it back like tequila shots and wade past our depth—me, deflecting to Kubrick’s Star Gate sequence, those long light smears on Bowman’s helmet, Julie, pulling both cords of her sweatshirt taut, saying our bodies would be stretched to angel hair if we were yanked into that hole. Then Janet’s telling us how she imagines this supermassive black hole is like the hole at the end of a vacuum cleaner. And right now—Saturday evening, our kids growing restless, minutes from boredom, then, maybe, those nudging arguments of who found who, who was safe, and for us, at least, the hour’s drive home, I-95 congested by the night-shift roadwork just beginning, Julie and I talking quietly in front, reviewing the evening, overwhelmed by the obvious, how we’ve all changed, how we won’t ever be as young as we were, our daughter, grass-stained, her hair wild with static, slouching down in the backseat pretending to sleep as she listens in just as I did at seven, those long drives to Maine, picking up things half-understood in the language of grownups—this black hole, says Janet, is Hoovering up stars and planets like so many pretzel crumbs ground into the shag. We’re full. Everything off the grill is hitting the spot. And Mark, back to Kubrick’s Star Child, is leaning in to share his fanboy theories of what it all means, though I’m not listening, not really, because it seems right, that vacuum, because I, too, have plucked stray fuzz clinging half in, half out of the attachment’s rim—and yes, this is how it feels, year-by-year, to be drawn to the irresistible thing.
Winner, New Ohio Review Fiction Contest: selected by Lauren Groff
By Nicole VanderLinden
Featured Art:Beach Scene by James Hamilton
Vanessa had wanted the luau, something extravagant—never mind that we were a moon away from our original budget. But that was Vanessa, always doubling down. She swam in mountain lakes; she was the only person I knew who’d been arrested for playing chicken. “We’re in Maui,” she said, letting geography make its case. “It’d be fun for the kids.”
This wasn’t all true, because our youngest, Chloe, dreamed of puréed bananas. She was barely a toddler. She’d never tasted salt, and bubble baths made her shriek. It was the other kid my wife had been alluding to, the child of our concern, our Anna.
Vanessa bought tickets to the luau. I was suggestible—there were so many things I was trying to save then, money the least precious among them. We returned to the cool of our room by three so we could shower and put calamine lotion on our burns, our sun-chapped faces. Vanessa took Chloe with her and got dressed in the bathroom, where she’d laid out various makeup cases and where the tub had jets, and I waited for Anna, who was twelve and who, when she was ready, spun for me in a white sundress lined in eyelet lace.
Featured Art:Girl Arranging Her Hair by Abbott Handerson Thayer
The woman in the Oldsmobile was awfully young to have a kid, her kid would have said, if she’d had a voice not just a body jittery inside her precious cotton dress with ducks stitched in the smocked bodice flat across her washboard chest. A woman’s hand was every bit as flat when she had to slap somebody’s face, so it wasn’t best sometimes to have a voice in case you asked the woman one too many times how Seguin was different from Saigon or where the dad had gone or who was gonna fix the swing or when can we get a collie or what’s the matter with twirling a lock of hair around your index finger all day long it felt so smooth & cool spooled round your finger & released & caught & wound again, secured. What’s wrong with messing with this living little bit of you, a darling little thing. You couldn’t stop it even if you wanted to.
Featured Art: Open Lock, Akron, Ohio by James Henry Moser
complain about the weather. wait five minutes watch the boys you grew up with outgrow you bury your cousin. go sledding on the tallest hill you can find keep a family warm until their son thaws out of prison ice skate between the skyscrapers downtown inherit an emergency exit sign from your father spray-paint your best friend’s brother on a t-shirt daydream your way through a semester-long funeral watch jeans and sleeves and family portraits unravel play soccer with the black boys who almost evaporated with the icicles. kick it outside with the skeletons from your childhood. go to columbus and pretend to be a grown-up. spend a weekend at kalahari resort and call it a vacation. go back home. leave. shoot dice with the dead boys playing dress up. stay long enough to become a tourist attraction in a city nobody stops in mount bikes and ride until the sun dribbles Read More
Featured Art: Sunset, Oxford by George Elbert Burr
I was driving. The sky was pink with sunrise or sunset. The road banked left. We drove straight—through the guardrail and over a valley with gray houses stacked on a hillside.
You were so calm. I didn’t understand at first that we would die. This was much worse than forgetting to pay the phone bill.
Then you were driving. The car soared. We looked out the windows. Around the houses, people trimmed hedges and hung laundry.
You changed gears. I don’t remember the landing. I think there was music. We held hands. I’ve never understood forgiveness, but this is what it must feel like.
Featured Art:Tongue amulet in the form of a cicada (hanchan) by Unknown
My limp body lulls through the hot, humid days like a lukewarm dog’s tongue hanging off the edge of time, begging for disaster, for that rotten stench of nostalgia to drift away & be buried in the brain’s contemporary fiascoes. Night after night, caught gaping out the window in the same chilled, sterile room. Only the shadows of bats flitter into view, and the dark, lush limbs of American elm trees groping toward evidence of further tangibility with a desperation akin to worship. Something in me must cherish the sound of cicadas feeding off each other in their suburban, summertime mania, like the soulless, asinine chorus of a fraternity chant. The girl at the 7-Eleven in the purple hijab restocks the Cheetos and the world goes on devouring itself for no other reason than something must be devoured if we are to continue loving one another in this crudely selective fashion. It’s terrible but it’s true, all heartache inevitably resolves in that surreptitious method pain can only accomplish with the brain’s private blessing. I know now what I did, I did to destroy you. I know, too, that I’m the one who’s destroyed. But somehow that still feels like forgiveness.
They come, like the dishwasher, with the house. “No trouble,” swears the seller, and—presto change-o— for handfuls of Layena every morning, the pair of hens trade one or two brown eggs. The chick, if we approach with proper coos, will let itself be stroked. This we learned from our new bible, Chickens in Your Backyard. Like neighbors of a different faith, we practice tolerance, let them grub among the bulbs, ignore the way their droppings singe the mulch.
Meanwhile, we are intent on our own nesting. My husband paints the nursery; I quilt a golden goose with pockets shaped like eggs. We hardly register the added squawking from the coop or look for more than tribute when we rob the nesting boxes. Then one dawn, I’m roused by what can only be a cock-a-doodle-doo. And in the breaking light, our chick-turned-rooster struts, ruffed as Raleigh, shaking his noble scarlet comb. What waits
inside me to astonish like this male? Such sudden majesty, sudden red.
Not the baby but the baby’s clothes defeat me— the cunning socks, the piles of onesies. A descant to the washer’s thrum, the strains of Pagliacci drift in from the study, dislodging a memory: a stormy weekend stranded at my cousin’s, the window wells filling with snow like the heaps of dirty laundry my aunt was sorting in the other room. Around us spread the scraps of paper dolls we’d wangled in the market, peeled now, and finished like our tangerines. We’d tired of mimicking Corelli whose whooping rose above the drone of the dryer where my aunt and uncle’s shirts embraced. “There isn’t anything to do,” I whined until my aunt emerged, a bar of Naptha gripped in her raw hand. What struck me was not her slap, nor even the stunned giggle before my cousin got hers like a portion, but the tenor’s voice dissolving in sobs, and the Clorox, smelling as a perfume might, if she had splashed it against her wrist.
This poem has already been written. The nausea, familiar. You’ve been left, bobbing bereft, in water, watching flames eat home and hearth. Or vicariously felt that dread suck of time elongating the slim barrel of a gun. You’ve picked your steps through a landscape of corpses, fumbled through each level of grief. This poem, your companion.
At ten, I meet myself in the mirror of my sister’s vanity, squeezed into the tiny corset of her pale blue dress, Cinderella’s image printed on the breast like a brooch. My little-boy pecs puff out like cleavage. The tulle skirt brushes against my thighs, rising above the knee, billowing around my Fruit-of-the-Looms as I prance down the staircase to the dining room where my mother lights a candle before dinner. She laughs to see me skip across the hardwood floor, turning and twirling on the ball of my socked foot—and when she does, I know I want to keep her laughing. I’m not sure why, but I speak in a higher voice, with a lisp, and she laughs harder, and, as I’m preening, brushing my cheeks with the back of my hand, leaping into the air like the hippos in Fantasia, I notice the tears— how they run down the corner of her nose, wetting her upper lip. I don’t know why she’s crying—maybe I’m really that funny. So I keep dancing.
autumn leaves glitter in their brittling someone plays the french horn on the shore beneath the blue flame of sky the sound like silver glinting across air like tinder
dear california when I’m gone will you still be here will there still be a shore
someone stomps out of the reeds holding a fishing pole commands the horn player to stop I walk by into silence
missing the music wondering what else I want on this hot november day a cloud spilling rain
After our son died, my wife found him in coincidences—sightings of hawks, mostly, at the oddest of times and places, and then in a pair of redtails that took up residence, nesting in a larch above our barn, and how their low, frequent sweeps just a few feet above us before rising over our kitchen roof made it seem as if they were looking in on us. In a way, it all made sense, our son so at home in high places—the edges of mountain trails, walking on a roof, or later, after he became a house painter, at the top of a forty-foot ladder. So many mornings we woke to the redtails’ jolting screeches and, even if I was a casual believer, their presence multiplied my love for the ordinary more every day. We never thought, of course, any of those hawks was our son— who would ever want that?—but, once, watching one rise and rise on a draft of air, I thought of Icarus soaring toward the sun— as if an old story could provide the distance I needed—waxed and feathered, his arms winged, and remembered a babysitter’s frantic call to come home, immediately, after she’d found our ten-year-old nearly forty feet up in an oak tree. I can almost hear him again, laughing high up in the sky, throned on a branch, his feet dangling, knowing nothing but the promise of heights as he waved to me— and I must have looked very small calling up to him, staying calm so falsely as I pleaded with him to come down, to come down now.
A cerulean warbler scrambled up and down the shaggy spine of an elderly bitternut hickory whose reach darkens half of my backyard and I tried to follow it, but it became impossible as the bird vanished and appeared in the shadows numberless— the futility of finding the bird again sharpened my focus because I’ve always longed to experience the impossible
because looking for the impossible in blotters of LSD during high school classes and staring out the window at the animated, neon leaves on oak trees didn’t just make me look at leaves differently, it made me want to whisper tales of anarchy in the waxy ears of greedy marketing majors, to digitally protest the World Bank, to distribute loose doobies at Christian chemo clinics, to dole out dollops of ranch dressing at the homeless shelter on Saturdays, to slide in and out of varied segments of society looking for pieces of my dull brain
One week after the clock in your chest clenched and froze forever at half past fifty, a crow careened through the door, grazing my temple like a stray bullet. In the aftermath of shock and startle, irony registered bitter in my craw. I used to think a bird crossing the threshold was a harbinger of death, but by the time this transgressor cut a crooked line through the living room, our windows were already draped in black crepe. The old wives, their feathered omen arrived late, clucked their tongues and rent their garments.
I’m up at 6 a.m. to write, but all I do is stare at the rain and the trees and watch the wind strip away what remains of November’s leaves. Somewhere in Virginia, my father is dying. Not on the sidewalk of a sudden heart attack from shoveling snow, or in a hospital room monitored by nurses and beeping machines, but at home, alone, and almost imperceptibly from a sluggish, inoperable form of cancer. That man was never satisfied with anything. When leaves were green he wanted them red, when red then brown, when brown then fallen and gone. Once, after making me rake them into a curbside pile, he tossed in a cinderblock meant for the local punk who’d been plowing his 1982 Camaro through the heaped up leaves of our neighborhood. Two days later, the kid blew through our pile without suffering a scratch. My father didn’t realize that I, fearing for him as much as for the boy, had fished out the brick and chucked it in the ravine behind our house. As punishment, I had to climb down in there, retrieve the cinderblock, and bury it in the leaves after I’d raked them back into a mound. My dad said that was nothing if I dared to take it out. I can still see him, stationed at the window, watching and waiting for that boy to return— but he never did, because I tipped him off the next day after spotting him at 7-Eleven Decades later and hundreds of miles away, a malignant brick buried deep inside him, my father still waits at the living room window, listening for the death rumble of that blue Camaro.
Sundays they’d meander down from surrounding hills to the watering hole just south of French Creek, where it joins the Allegheny, maybe twenty, thirty on a good day in summer, the fog in no hurry to lift off the river, & if I were visiting, my father-in-law would take me along, because this was the rhythm of Venango County men, week after week, season on season, for the members who hadn’t lost wives to dementia, cancer, or a cheating heart, a chance to get away from the women, bullshit, maybe win some money in the big drawing,
the Iron City flowing & Wild Turkey, not yet noon, a thumb-flicked Zippo, cover clicking back, scratchy rachet of the wheel, flame-sputter, flame, head bowing, a face sudden, illuminated, the long fhhhhhhhhhhh, with smoke stream, & a story would begin:
an Army jeep bouncing into a bombed-out Rhineland town, & in an old church cellar, great shattered wine casks, you drank as you sloshed through it, dark, fuck-cold; someone’s uncle down the Mon Valley, the Gold Gloves boxer who lost an arm; a lieutenant’s first whorehouse. That was the talk, and everything was Eddie, almost whispered, a shibboleth: duck boots, fly rods, the Eddie Bauer Ford Bronco—Elks Masonic to the nth degree.
Laugh, move among them, wear the flannel, stand them a round—still, I carried the scent of a distant country. One slight shift of wind & heads would lift, the circle tighten.
Arthur is, look, you don’t want to, fine; and Bee’s, good, I’m glad.
It’s about a billion degrees out. They’re on a clothing-optional beach. Arthur had to practically drag her.
He gets up and walks away, which makes her mad. She’s all about how men retreat to their caves. Arthur stops and puts his hands on his hips and looks out over the Atlantic Ocean. There’s a half dozen guys on blankets to the left and behind him chattering. They’re all young and nude, built like Greek gods. One guy’s putting sunblock on another guy like he’s practicing the art of sensuous massage. Next to them’s what looks like a straight couple, the girl’s young, topless, with a bikini bottom. She looks good. She’s in fact gor- geous. The guy’s probably at least twice her age, well into his forties. He’s tanned a golden bronze and built solid, stretched out, arms under his head, got on one of those skimpy bathing suits Olympic divers wear. No belly at all if not quite a six-pack. The girl’s sitting up looking off at the horizon, her hand wrapped around his kneecap like she’s holding a stick shift. Arthur goes back to their blanket.
I get a whiskey. I do not call my father back. I text you. I try on my new dress in the bathroom among the western decor. I get another whiskey. I write a poem about cowboys. I text you. I finger out the cherry from the glass. I take the cherry the bartender offers me, red-glow-glop in a bare palm. I don’t text you for 24 minutes (I count it). I let someone down. I smoke a cigarette. I think of my mother smoking: outside restaurants, department stores, in the kitchen on Sunday mornings, late-at-night while typing, the cigarette dangling from her mouth with its long, tender arm of ash. I order a whiskey. I don’t answer my phone. I ask the bartender for another cherry but I’m way ahead of you, he says, offering a dish of alien jewel-fruit. I like the dish: shaped like a cowboy hat, porcelain. I am being trusted with breakable things. I joke: I don’t need to eat dinner now thanks to all these snacks. I know I’m not joking. I don’t text you. I write a poem in which I am the cowboy and you are the O.K. Corral and I make good choices and my father is sober and my mother remembers me. I smoke another cigarette and the bartender joins me. I know what this is. I say it out loud: I know what this is. I pretend I mean something different from what I mean. I order a whiskey. I listen when he explains his tattoo. I text you. I let him touch my shoulder. I go to the bathroom and change into my dress. I ask him to clip the tags from the hem. I write a poem in which I know exactly what I’m doing though I don’t know it yet, do you?
I can’t promise you I know how to sit across from a man, as he lights his campfire heart, without letting it warm me. And I won’t pour water over it before it glows down to embers in the lambent hours of the morning. As shadow flames sashay across my face, I might throw in the branches I’ve gathered from my forest. Make it blaze.
The Lucky store a few towns over is going out of business. That doesn’t seem so lucky to me. Every year, my husband and I hit their After Christmas sale. We try on jeans with zippers that tell us— Lucky You! when the teeth unclench. I once got a sweater with LUCKY that stretched across my breasts. We pile clothes in dressing rooms facing each other. Yay or Nay outfits. With conjugal knowledge, we are ruthlessly honest. Whoever finishes first takes a seat and watches the other model consider and reconsider. The other day, a woman I barely know told me how much she loves my husband, the way he always refers to our life experiences with “we.” We have decided. We went there. We bought that. She tells me how lucky I am. When my husband and I leave the store, we clutch shopping bags, we are satiated. Sometimes we hold hands, if we have one free.
When he read it out loud in the small orange basement on the street lined with old trees that fell too early in storms, the wind lost its breath, the molten core of the earth slowed slightly, and someone poured a Slurpee down at the 7-Eleven. It might have been just a poem meant for the whole group, who all playfully fanned themselves and over-swooned after he’d lipped the last word— but she sat knowing that everything she’d done had brought her to this beige suede basement couch to hear, to embody, to take these words and press them into her—first shaking, but later softly and with more force. Until they walked, ran, and flew with her. So when she rose above that suburban town, its baseball fields and slate-gray schools, on the days when the screaming and demands and the mac-n-cheese dinners became too much, they would be with her. He would be with her, whether she wanted him or not.
See how I clasp it to me, thunderclap my way through. Oh constant invisible, oh emperor of the unruly, tell me— do I consume you or you me? Downcast, you stain me indigo but I love the blues—lapis lazuli and Billie Holiday and the neon tetra’s iridescence—is it biology?— I the algae, you my luminescence? But no, that’s too much— a fleshless excuse for excess. Hyper heart, you tattoo me, every inch of skin inked, but you are not indelible— see how I embrace the pleasure of erasure, the fleeting this, then this, the smudge and blur, the quickening pulse of swerve, of word, the veiled, the reviled, the revealed. And so, lost song of nightingale, swoop of lark, you are the ghosts of night, the smidgen of hope, the low-hanging, the high-flying— my wisteria, my hysteria, my gilt-edged book, my glint in the dark.
Their fights had always been drawn out and passionate, thrilling in their possi- bility. The subjects of their arguments ran the gamut; Malcom and Clare could employ almost anything as flint to spark the heat between them, setting their hearts leaping and their sharp tongues running wild: the empty soda can roll- ing around the Subaru, the knife marks in the laminate countertop, the lack of remaining hot water in the morning or that time—years ago—when the dog bowl was left dry on a sultry day. The rhythm to their relationship was marked by peaks of tension, a pulse that proved their marriage was still alive, unlike those of some of their friends, whose flat-lined politeness was so painfully false, resentment straining up beneath pert compliments and cute smiles. Malcom and Clare were authentically in love, four years married and still willing to weather the turbulence of melding two lives together. Yet it was also true that their latest fights seemed rote, their jibes more personal. The cause was lack of material, Clare felt. She blamed their unchanging surroundings.
Next to the Lost and Found, our church basement folding chair circle. Ten of us, week to week, scratch words in workbooks, read copies of How to Survive the Loss of a Love.
We pass or fail stages of grief. Video clips from the other side: a smiling blonde manages her checking account, living debt-free; gray men navigate dating and children.
Stories cycle in Share Time: Billy the missionary served 25 years with Kazakhstani orphans— one day, home on furlough, his wife drove to Walmart, never returned.
Dan’s wife ran off with the superintendent, and Sharon’s husband left her at Denny’s eating Moons Over My Hammy. She hasn’t had an egg since. I don’t know why, they said. Blame always a stick to be thrown.
Not your fault, we agreed. But maybe the fault was mine, the unsupportive wife, the wastrel. I drove 1700 miles, and still his voice, obscured by barroom backnoise,
Insufferable woman, come home. Each week I shift seats on the circle’s farthest curve. I’ve lost the knack for talking, afraid the other eyes will shinny up my face then flick away.
At Trader Joe’s, before group, while cashiers flip French bread into paper bags like a magic trick, I practice words. How to say I’ve left him, that he was mean to me. So I will be believed.
My sister says I greeted the swarm along the backyard slope, crawling, fat mouth slack, sodden Pampers saggy with supplication. Evidently, she scooped me up while they chased us through our father’s lavender azaleas where he dropped his shears and smashed yellow jackets against my skin, yanking off the diaper and waving it around his head like a lasso. We won’t get spanked again until winter. Everyone watches my sister declaim the tragic tale at family gatherings for decades as if she’s Dame Judi Dench. They love her nuanced performance, the lively hand gestures and operatic voice, how she tousles my hair before her triumphant finale: I got stung on my mouth, but he got stung in his asshole! I’m always grateful Dad isn’t here to witness this, or my marriage, or my career, or my incompetent gardening, the limp cosmos. I can’t believe you, a cousin smiles, shaking his head. Me neither, I reply. I don’t even know what I did.
it will be the day after our fifteenth anniversary
we started late, so we were already middle-aged at the start so after fifteen years we’ll be what others call old
we will have lasted a solid fourteen years, ten months, and most of a day longer than I expected and so for fourteen years, ten months, and most of a day I’ll have been confused by our continuing existence
how will you go through fifteen years and most of a day without realising what a fuck-up I am?
during that time you’ll have been to more book launches than you ever expected you would, and since you never thought you’d ever be at a book launch your showing up at each of them will be a personal gift; you loiter at the back of the room with a bottle of whatever cold beer is your current choice, maybe Heineken that day; you don’t say much to the other people there, you sit quietly through the post-launch celebratory dinners when I’m buzzed and hyper or exhausted and freaked out and we hold hands under the table; once we get home we strip down and have sex and you still look at me like I’m the best thing you’ve ever seen
I won’t watch a single rugby game but I ask who won and if the All Blacks did alright, if it was a good game, and you give me your thoughts in a surprisingly detailed yet concise analysis
because you know this shit bores me and from time to time I even remember one of the players’ names and you smile at me like you would a child trying to show off their knowledge of the alphabet despite always misplacing the q
we still live in separate houses because I’m smart enough to have figured out that living with someone isn’t something I can cope with; we spend time at each other’s homes but more at yours, even though your kids hate it when they drop by unannounced and we’re naked on the kitchen floor or I’m sucking you in the living room or you’re going down on me on the dining table
so your kids always knock on the door, loudly, then wait fifteen seconds before walking in
we always laugh at this
at some point in those fifteen years we reach the point where we go to movies together sometimes, cook meals together semi-regularly, which is a bit of a backwards way of being, starting with the sex and then moving toward dating but somehow it works and sometimes even makes sense
I still find it hard that you don’t talk much but try to keep in my head that when you do say something it’s always the right thing; I remind myself over and over again of how it feels when you look at me and how then I know that we’re alright
the day after our fifteenth anniversary (we won’t have done a romantic night out in celebration, we go down to the river to watch the sunset and then have sex there, with our aching backs and sore knees against the unforgiving ground) the day after our fifteenth anniversary (I make dessert when we get back to your place and you cup your hands around my breasts and laugh real deep and dirty while I’m beating egg whites to stiff peaks)
the day after our fifteenth anniversary (you leave me to sleep late as always while you do laundry and mow the lawns)
the day after our fifteenth anniversary (we kiss as I walk past you on my way to have a shower, since your home is now fully supplied with my shampoo and cleanser and moisturisers, because it’s been fifteen years)
the day after our fifteenth anniversary (you sing along to Marvin Gaye while you work on fixing the squeak in the living room door)
the day after our fifteenth anniversary late afternoon I get ready to head home because I want to write and when I’m with you I never write but I have lots of ideas; I put my bag in my car and turn back to you as you put your arms around my waist and I wrap my arms over your shoulders, and for the first time you won’t look at me like you’re the happiest man in the world, you won’t look at me like nothing could possibly get better than this
and I have been waiting fourteen years, ten months, and most of a day for this to happen so will recognise it instantly and like an extra in Buffy The Vampire Slayer who has just been hit with sunlight or Mr Pointy or the Hellmouth collapsing or an axe to the neck